Lawyer Jokes

Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?

A: An impossibility.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: Her lips are moving.

Why don’t sharks eat lawyers?

Professional Courtesy

Isn’t it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the other 1% a bad name?

Have you heard the latest? Laboratories have started using lawyers for lab tests instead of white rats. It seems that there are some things a rat just won’t do.

Problem at the Zoo
        Someone mistakenly left the cages open in the Reptile House at the zoo and there were snakes slithering all over the place.
        Frantically, the keeper tried everything, but he couldn’t get the slippery animals back into their cages. Finally, he yelled, “Quick, call a lawyer!”
        “A lawyer? Why?”
        “We need someone who speaks their language.”

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

“Virtue is in the middle,” said the devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.

Are blondes smarter than lawyers? You be the judge.
        A blonde and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, very tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over toward the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists (as lawyers are wont to do) and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00 and vice versa.”
        Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
        The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.00.”
        This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to the torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
        The lawyer asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
        The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
        “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
        She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
        The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and Library of Congress, still no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
        The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
        The lawyer, more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
        Without a word, the blonde reaches in her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this — you cannot post ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ and ‘Thou Shall Not Lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians … it creates a hostile work environment.

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